Many of us carry internal scripts about what it means to be a good parent. We were taught that consistency is everything—that if you back down, change your mind, or allow negotiation, you’re being manipulated. That once you say no, you can’t say yes later. That rules must be followed or they stop mattering. So we hold the line, even when no one is safe, even when it isn’t working. We call it strength. But often it’s fear.
The truth: Flexibility is not failure
PDA children live in bodies that register demands as threats. For them, rigidity doesn’t create safety—it makes everything feel tighter, heavier, harder to bear. These kids don’t need rules softened because they’re spoiled or fragile. They need flexibility because their nervous systems require agency to function. Holding strong boundaries around essentials—like safety, medical needs, or mutual respect—is still important. But outside those few core anchors, negotiation is not only allowed. It’s protective.
The practice: get curious about your rules
Before enforcing a boundary, pause and examine the story underneath. Ask yourself: Why does this matter to me? Is it about safety, or does it come from a belief like “They’ll walk all over me if I don’t”? What am I afraid will happen if I shift? When your inner narrative sounds like, “If I let them win now, they’ll always expect it,” ask where that idea came from—and whether it’s still true in this moment, with this child. You’re allowed to change your mind. You’re allowed to renegotiate. You’re allowed to say yes even after saying no—if it feels right. That is not inconsistency. That is presence.
Why it works
When you show that you’re willing to bend, your child stops needing to push so hard. They learn that relationship is a place where their needs matter, where their agency is real, where outcomes can change. That doesn’t mean you give them everything. It means you walk with them, not over them. And in that space of shared power, trust grows. It may not look like traditional compliance. But it will feel like safety.
The paradox
It’s easy to assume that PDA kids hate structure. They resist routines, reject instructions, bristle at reminders. So adults often throw up their hands and say, “Well, they just don’t want any rules.” But this assumption mistakes the child’s pushback for disinterest—when in fact, it’s about survival.
PDA children often crave consistency and predictability in their environment. They feel safer when they know what’s coming, when there’s rhythm and structure and reliability. But they also want to feel like the wild card in the room—the one who still has agency. They want to be able to change their mind, to influence the plan, to decide when and how they enter into it. What they resist is not consistency itself—it’s being overpowered by it.
When structure is rigid, imposed, or non-consensual, it can feel like being locked in. But when structure is steady, soft, and open to collaboration, it becomes something they can lean on. They don’t want to be in chaos. They just don’t want to be coerced. And there’s a big difference.
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Predictability creates safety
It’s easy to assume that PDA kids hate structure. They…
If you’re the parent
You might hear voices in your head—your mother’s, your coach’s, your own—saying, “You have to follow through,” “You’ll lose credibility,” “They’ll never respect you.” But your child isn’t playing chess. They’re surviving. You’re not raising a future boss or spouse or citizen. You’re raising a person who needs to feel safe in their own skin first. That safety starts with you. Demonstrate the flexibility and willingness to change your mind, given more information, that you hope your child will one day demonstrate. Show that you care about their perspective.
If you’re the teacher
You may feel bound by policy, routine, or a need to treat everyone the same. But fairness is not sameness. For a PDA child, offering negotiation around small details—timing, seating, task format—can prevent total shutdown. Instead of saying, “This is how we do it,” try, “Here are a few ways this could be done.” Instead of, “You have to start now,” try, “We’ll be starting and you can dive in if or whenever it sparks your interest.” These small choices aren’t giving in. They’re giving space. And that space might be the only reason the child stays with you at all.
Final reflection
Boundaries don’t have to be hard to be real. Your child is not keeping score. They are watching how you respond to the moment. What they need is a partner who understands that regulation isn’t built from control—it’s built from trust. So loosen what you can. Anchor what you must. And let the rest move with the wind.
