Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or institution causes someone to question their own memory, perception, or understanding of events. In schools, this often shows up when a parent reports a harmful incident or a missing support—and is met with denial, minimisation, or vague language that subtly shifts blame. For example, if a child is excluded from class and the school claims it was a ‘cool down break’ with no record kept, that’s a form of gaslighting…
It becomes especially dangerous when patterns of harm are consistently erased through bureaucratic language, such as claiming a student ‘chose’ to leave or that ‘there’s no documentation’ of what the parent plainly experienced. The school’s version becomes the only official one—and any emotional response from the family can then be used to discredit them.
Gaslighting not only undermines parent-school relationships, but also retraumatises families who have already struggled to get support. It can lead to self-doubt, burnout, and learned helplessness. For children, it’s particularly damaging: when their lived experiences are denied, they may internalise confusion, self-blame, and mistrust in adults. Calling it what it is—gaslighting—is the first step toward accountability.
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Gaslighted by proxy: how schools grant coercive power to the quietest parent
When one parent advocates and the other undermines, the school almost always aligns with the one who “gets along.” Not because that parent is more informed, more accurate, or more protective—but because they are easier to accommodate. They agree easily. They stay quiet.…
